Sunday, 17 October 2010

Fake Your Own Death

Sometimes, you've just got to think outside of the box.

Ok, I hear you. I hear you complaining.

"But... But... Isn't that a little extreme? Faking a car accident or a bank robbery gone bad? In fact, isn't it illegal?"

By the letter of the law, yeah, maybe. But usually not if you don't file an insurance claim.

And it sure ain't against the rules of love.

See, there's nothing like that golden moment when you walk in the door... at the your own wake! (Closed casket, of course. You don't want to seem too weird.)

It's that one guaranteed time in your life when people will be absolutely ecstatic to see you. Particularly that one secretary in accounts who's been nice to you but hasn't yet "seen the light."

For those religious girls in the crowd, it will strongly affirm their deeply held beliefs and make them all the more anxious to get you to the altar.

And if you do get a few malcontents who are soreheaded about being tricked, this quote from Mark Twain is sure to floor them (...that is, if you're wearing a white Panama suit and smoking a cigar. A fake beard wouldn't hurt either.)

"The reports of my death have been greatly exagerated."

Hey, it worked for Elvis, right?

Now stop nitpicking... and let's get cracking!

Sunday, 10 October 2010

Become An Animal Lover

That's right!

Sure, women today like a man who's cultured. Who is sensitive.

Who... heck... isn't afraid to cry at sad movies every once and a while.

But that's not all.

They want a man who's in touch... with his wild side!

Look, as much as we modern folk try to fight the idea, women are subconsciously attracted to the beast that lurks inside us.

And the best way to signal that is by these seemingly innocuous opening lines:

"Gosh, I sure do miss my old dog, Skippy. When I get a house out in the country, I'm going to own a whole pack of wolf hounds."

"You know that guy, Timothy Treadwell? The guy who lived up in Alaska with the grizzlies, out on the tundra for months on end? The one Werner Herzog made that movie about? Well, sure he got ripped apart by them in the end, but... MAN, I want to be that guy!"

"I work in a pet store."

Sure, it's a subtle.... Like two-thousand-pound charging rhino out on the veldt!

Believe me, if you also occasionally throw in a few gutteral growls, or crazily paw at the air, in the manner of a caged lion, your deal will be sealed.

And one last tip...

If you're going out to the bars, put on your old Boy Scout uniform. (Yeah - I know what you're thinking. But believe me. It WORKS. Ain't nothing like an Eagle badge for impressing the fillies.)

Now, head on out to the zoo... and let's get cracking!

Sunday, 14 March 2010

Form A Skiffle Band

White boys and banjos and Scouse accents.

It's the magical combination to success with women....

...No matter where they live!

Believe me, skiffle isn't simply a phenomenon of post-war British life.

And despite what some people might have you think, it ain't only a minor form of African-American roots music that originated around the turn of the century.

No. It's a WAY OF LIFE.

Or, rather a WAY TO THE GOOD LIFE.

Just imagine what will happen when you walk down the street playing "Rock Island Line" on your homemade cigar-box fiddle.

Or better yet, when you have a whole bunch of friends with you, jamming away on their kazoos and washboards, whooping and a-hollering, heading off to a gig at your local coffee house?

Magic, baby, magic!

Like something that happened in the racier Ealing musicals.

And if some clueless nay-sayer ever scratches their head and asks you just what the heck you're doing, give him one of your patented hipster smiles.

Look, kid, it's a goyische version of a klezmer band.

Now time to head off to the Cavern Club.... and let's get cracking!

Sunday, 28 February 2010

Talk About F. Scott Fitzgerald

It's a fallacy that most women today are just interested in fast cars and even faster men.

As my grouchy (but wise) Uncle Max would say, "WRONG, KIDDO!"

Have you noticed the attention that Oprah's Book Club has been getting lately? And we ain't just talking about Harlequin Romances either.

Women today are college educated. Which means that they like to know that their potential-man-to-be knows his books.

For example, approaching a gal in your local Starbucks like this is guaranteed FAILURE:

YOU: Hey baby, what's shaking?

HER (rolling eyes): Whatever.

Whereas, if you're looking for the right side of paradise, to find how tender that night can be, try:

YOU: Yes, Gatsby believed in the green light, that orgiastic future that year by year recedes before us. It eluded us then, but that's no matter -- tomorrow, we will run faster, stretch out our arms farther...

HER (interupting, inflamed): So we beat on, boats against the current!

And don't be afraid to be too direct:

YOU: Honey, I've got a diamond as big as the Ritz.

HER (perking up): Oh, really?

Hey, if it worked great for the man itself (of course, it helped to graduate from Princeton), think of what it can do for you.

Now time to hit the library.... and get cracking!

Sunday, 21 February 2010

Don't Shower

You heard me.

I know that sounds a little "out there" but rest assured, my friend, there is method in that so-called madness.

You see, when you take a shower or a bath, you wash away those valuable women-attacting pheromones you've accumulated on your skin all day.

So when you think you're getting rid of sweat and dirt, what you're really doing is getting rid of your "secret weapon."

Sure, your friends might laugh at you at first. Your family and employer may look upon you disdainfully.

But when you stagger home in the morning from yet one more successful date, with a Blackberry crammed with numbers from beautiful women you met on the street, those smiles are going to "turn upside down."

(As for doing laundry, do I really have to add that's a no-no? Those quarters you save will come in handy with all those dinners you're buying.... But no! They won't! Women will be buying YOU dinner!)

You think I'm wrong? Just read a little history. What about Rasputin and the scores of Russian noblewomen he got to know better? And Daniel Boone... You really think they had hot and cold running water out in the Kentucky of 1837?

In fact, it's a provable fact that as soon as "personal hygene" came into the picture, the word "loser" was first introduced into human language.

Ok, enough talk. Throw away that soap. And let's get cracking!

Sunday, 14 February 2010

Hey Buddy!

You know, I don't like to brag but I've had a lot of success with women.


Now, out of the kindness of my heart (and in the spirit of "paying it forward"), I'm going to share some of my most secret of secrets every week.


Yeah, you heard me. No cost. Nothing to buy and no videos to send away for. And for why, you may ask?

Because when you're loaded down with luv, you don't need any of that filthy green.

Now let's get cracking!