Sunday, 17 October 2010

Fake Your Own Death

Sometimes, you've just got to think outside of the box.

Ok, I hear you. I hear you complaining.

"But... But... Isn't that a little extreme? Faking a car accident or a bank robbery gone bad? In fact, isn't it illegal?"

By the letter of the law, yeah, maybe. But usually not if you don't file an insurance claim.

And it sure ain't against the rules of love.

See, there's nothing like that golden moment when you walk in the door... at the your own wake! (Closed casket, of course. You don't want to seem too weird.)

It's that one guaranteed time in your life when people will be absolutely ecstatic to see you. Particularly that one secretary in accounts who's been nice to you but hasn't yet "seen the light."

For those religious girls in the crowd, it will strongly affirm their deeply held beliefs and make them all the more anxious to get you to the altar.

And if you do get a few malcontents who are soreheaded about being tricked, this quote from Mark Twain is sure to floor them (...that is, if you're wearing a white Panama suit and smoking a cigar. A fake beard wouldn't hurt either.)

"The reports of my death have been greatly exagerated."

Hey, it worked for Elvis, right?

Now stop nitpicking... and let's get cracking!

Sunday, 10 October 2010

Become An Animal Lover

That's right!

Sure, women today like a man who's cultured. Who is sensitive.

Who... heck... isn't afraid to cry at sad movies every once and a while.

But that's not all.

They want a man who's in touch... with his wild side!

Look, as much as we modern folk try to fight the idea, women are subconsciously attracted to the beast that lurks inside us.

And the best way to signal that is by these seemingly innocuous opening lines:

"Gosh, I sure do miss my old dog, Skippy. When I get a house out in the country, I'm going to own a whole pack of wolf hounds."

"You know that guy, Timothy Treadwell? The guy who lived up in Alaska with the grizzlies, out on the tundra for months on end? The one Werner Herzog made that movie about? Well, sure he got ripped apart by them in the end, but... MAN, I want to be that guy!"

"I work in a pet store."

Sure, it's a subtle.... Like two-thousand-pound charging rhino out on the veldt!

Believe me, if you also occasionally throw in a few gutteral growls, or crazily paw at the air, in the manner of a caged lion, your deal will be sealed.

And one last tip...

If you're going out to the bars, put on your old Boy Scout uniform. (Yeah - I know what you're thinking. But believe me. It WORKS. Ain't nothing like an Eagle badge for impressing the fillies.)

Now, head on out to the zoo... and let's get cracking!